PRESS RELEASES FROM THE FUTURE

ALL FEMALE HOUSE PASSES THE NOCTURNAL EMISSION COMMISSION LEGISLATION

‘Peter’ cams to become the law of the land

WASHINGTON D.C. – September 14, 2035

New legislation designed to monitor the nocturnal seminal emissions of every man on U.S. soil passed unanimously in a late night session.

Speaker of the House, Manii Pedii, said this was a victory for women everywhere. Also known as the TAIFPA (Turn About is Fair Play Act), this is considered one of many ‘backlash’ legislative moves on the part of this all-female body.

Payback is a bitch
This bill is the inevitable rebuttal to the harsh treatment received by women in the past and it calls for these measures to be enacted, based on the rumor that each sperm should have its day and killing sperm wantonly and knowingly through the act of seminal emissions must and will be punished. Sentencing criteria has yet to be decided but Pedii promises harsh standards.

Funding for this innovative bill provides body cameras that will be strapped to the shaft of the penis for every man in America. These ‘peter cam’s as they are referred to in the bill will be wired into a national monitoring station and when a nocturnal emission occurs, a drone will be dispatched from Central NSE Headquarter to collect the fluid which will be cryogenically preserved for eternity or until a good use for it is discovered. A storage vault for this precious treasure is to be carved behind the presidential heads on Mt. Rushmore.

No mercy to be shown
In response to the cry for compassion from a former male house member, Speaker Pedii responded, “Hell to the no,” adding, “In the early days of this century, what we now call The Darker Ages, legislative bodies at both the State and Federal level ran amok with laws, passed by men—and in too many cases supported by their female colleagues—that impinged on the reproductive rights of women in cruel and inhumane ways,” Pedii said. “Now it’s our turn.”

She went on to cite laws such as the transvaginal ultrasounds, jailing women who suffered miscarriages, forcing women with non-viable fetuses to carry them to full term, and the pervasive and punitive decline in the availability of legal abortions as some of the early rulings which led to even crueler practices in the last 20 years, including the Menstruation Tax, which was imposed on every ovulating woman in the United States.

CUP Runneth Over
This law passed in 2027 was touted by then-Speaker of the House, James Boner, Jr., as the “Comeuppance Act” or CUP. “We need to teach women that their true value is as vessels to be impregnated. Every period is a slap in the face of their ultimate purpose—which is to act as brood mares for humanity. Each egg that is not available for fertilization is a loss to the world. Woman should be punished for that and this law imposes a stiff penalty for that affront.” Funds collected from the passage of the CUP Act were used to fund sports stadiums around the country.

Pedii credits Hera’s Alliance which was formed in the late 2020s for helping to reverse the appalling trend of men telling women what to do with their bodies.

Background on Hera’s Alliance
Women of all orientations finally went ‘ovaries to the wall’ after the CUP Act was passed. Hera’s Alliance started out small, with a handful of hetero and bi women schooling misogynists about just how strong and powerful they were. Sexless Saturdays and Sundays were introduced and soon became the norm as all sexual activities were curtailed with their male partners. But that was only the first step in the quest for women to regain control over their reproductive decisions.

The movement spread quickly throughout the country as both working and stay-at-home moms declined to do more than their fair share of the work. At first women rotated absences from their jobs so as not to bring commerce to a halt. But as law makers cracked down on these shenanigans through massive arrests and incarnations, protestors took their actions to the next level and ceased all activities in a sit-down strike that spread from Seattle to NYC.

Wide-spread strikes turned the tide
In those days women, earned only 82 cents for every dollar earned by men. Women were also underrepresented in high-wage occupations. And yet this strike, joined in solidarity but many enlightened men, brought the country to its knees, where it stayed for 28 days—or the length of an average menstrual cycle.

Since then, repugnant reproductive laws were reversed, and a wave of women entered politics. This led to a crushing majority of females in all elected and appointed positions which is why today’s vote was made possible. “You don’t think the subpar class of men who were attracted to serve in the legislature because of the ‘easy money’ would pass any bill that would subject them to any consequences do you?” Pedii asked. “So it was up to us to let them know how it feels.”